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Thursday, October 16, 2008

Hooboy... between books and blogging... what happened to my life?

I started this blog up ~ uh over a year-and-a-half ago ~ as a way to put down my thoughts. I've always enjoyed writing; it's been a release, a way to focus, a way to come to terms with *stuff* and, over the last couple of years, to talk about books that I've read ~ courtesy of eHarlequin.com and their yearly "Book Challenge".
In 2007 I joined the eHar community's 2007 10,000 Book Challenge and read in excess of 450 books.... This year, 2008, the challenge is for the group to read 100,000 books with a corresponding number of books being given to literacy groups by eHarlequin. Talk about a good cause! And reading is something I do regardless ~ I've been reading for nearly all my life and there have been times over the years that books were what saved me... literally!


I've been dealing with depression for most of my life ~ since about 10 years of age ~ but wasn't diagnosed until I was almost 30. This was after having 3 children and a couple of miscarriages. Things finally got to the point where I was beginning to think of suicide and my family doctor, after my husband mentioned my extreme moodiness, told Joe to get me into see him pronto.
It was 2 or 3 weeks after starting the antidepressant Elavil that, one morning, I got up and it was as if someone had switched on a light. That is still the strongest image that I can come up with. For the first time that I could remember I actually felt ... as though I had a life... actually it was as though it was the first time I'd felt anything. Of course I know that that wasn't true; after all I'd been an honour student throughout school, had an excellent job (and work ethic), met a man that I knew was the one that I could, and wanted to, spend the rest of my life with and had three beautiful children. But for so many years I'd lived under a dark cloud so, that when it was no longer hanging above my head ~ metaphorically speaking of course ~ everything around me was brighter and I felt stronger and... I don't know... just FELT is the one thing that I keep coming back to.

So, it's been coming up on 20 years now that I've been aware of living with depression. I now have four children: a son, Stephen, 24 ½ and three daughters, Lisa, 23 yesterday; Meagan now 21 and Teresa, 16. My husband and I are headed for our 25th wedding anniversary this December and things are only getting better for us. I'm babysitting ~ something I've been doing from my home for 17 years, and life is a lot more interesting.

I'm on antidepressants, and will be for the rest of my life, and I'm usually okay. Not *the world is an amazing place all the time* fantastic, but I'm doing good (yeah okay I know that grammatically that's a terrible thing to say, but it works for me.)
I figure that now, for the most part, I'm still fighting the behaviours that I developed over years of unknowingly living with depression... but I've made a LOT of progress.... It's just not a finished project yet... and THAT is something that I've only recently realized. Guess you're never too old to learn new things, eh?

And I think I've spent enough time going on about myself. But I think that, now that I've started, I'll be coming back here a little more regularly.
After all, there are a few blogs here that I check out somewhat regularly ~ Rhianna Samuels'
Ramblings by Rhianna and Madame Butterfly's book reviews, AuthorIsland, DIK, author Margaret Moore and multi-author blog Running With Quills .... hmmm, see a pattern here? LOL

Have a good one people!

16 comments:

  1. Hey Kathy- that's really admirable that you talk so openly about your depression.

    I've never been diagnosed but I've suffered quite a bit with depression as well. When I was a teen I really wanted to die and kill myself but I read one of those pop psychology books that were really popular in the 70's about anger and it totally woke me up to the fact that I had so much rage and that I was internalizing all that rage.

    Right after reading that book I found a therapist and went into psychotherapy for a year, which helped me a lot. That was when I was 19.

    I still go through many periods of deep depression, but have been resistant to antidepressants because it's not an on-going thing. But when I'm in it, it's bad.

    Books are a great help huh? Actually, for me, if I started reading a lot it meant I was depressed and I used fiction to avoid what I was feeling, but now I seemed to have reverse jumped the shark and I can read out of my love of life.

    I'm glad that you got that sorted out. I have a few friends who have suffered a lot and take antidepressants and they are doing very well.

    I'm so glad you're blogging. So many times I've wanted to keep chatting with you about something you said on Rhianna's blog, but don't like to hijack her blog for that.

    Oh and 100,000 books? Igad! I'm lucky if I can get through 2 a week. I'm such a slow reader and I like to be diverted a lot with blogs. :)

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  2. Hey Leah, thank you... I've found that there are a lot of people who are going through it but don't know what to say... and sometimes I can help them put into words what's going on. Just good with feelings and words I guess.

    It sounds like you've gone through a lot ~ and most of it on your own... kudos to you!

    And yeah, the 100,000 book thing ~ I'm so glad it's the whole community! And my numbers are lower this year than last... probably 'cause I'm feeling better and I get more done day-to-day.
    But reading ~ for me when things were hard, I could read and be taken away from where I was and what I was (or rather wasn't) feeling. Then I could get back to my life and husband and three kids.

    And I'm glad that I finally, Finally found your reply to my long-ago blog... slow much am I? *grin*

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  3. Hi Kathy,

    Nice blog. I didn't realize you had one, or I'd have begun to check it out sooner.

    Leah's right, it's very admirable that you are so open and honest about talking about yourself and the difficulties you have had with depression.

    I don't know if I can truly relate, except perhaps when my son was still born at full term. I cried for two years after about anything, but especially about feeling unworthy to have a child.
    Perhaps if I'd been married, I would have simply tried to have another child, but I wasn't.

    It's too late to have a child now, but I heaped all those dreams and hopes onto my characters and tried not to heap it upon my nieces and nephews, so that they could become who they wanted. I do understand that those emotions seem out of our control. I am glad for you that you are better on the medications.

    As for hijacking my blog or yours or even Leah's blog...I'm all for it, if there's something to talk about of interest to any of us.

    Rhianna

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  4. Rhianna! Hey... and as for finding my blog earlier, uh yeah.... My first (and last) post was back in May... of 2007. So you really haven't missed much... or anything.

    And gads, I had 5 miscarriages and even so, I cannot imagine what you must have gone through losing a full-term baby. My heart goes out to you... regardless of how long ago it was, you still lost someone extremely close to you. And yeah, I can relate about the tears.

    And heavens... Hijack away! (Okay, this is really dumb, but writing about a hijack all I could think about was my dad's joke about someone greeting him ~ loudly ~ on a plane. His name was Jack.... Okay, not original, but it popped into my head.)
    Anyway, it's not as though I've got anything going like either you or Leah... you two are talented! (I mean, I am too, but in different ways... or something...) *sigh*

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  5. (I mean, I am too, but in different ways... or something...) *sigh*

    Kathy-- I love the way you express yourself. You really are very interesting and it's fun to read your stories. Talented? Why yes, you are. :D

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  6. OH and, I love what you've done with your blog colors and layout. Very nice. Very soothing and inviting. :)

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  7. Well, thank you very much Leah! Now I'm all squirmy inside...all in a very good way, of course.

    And I had fun playing around with the colours, etc. And the images ~ my avatar and the one at the top ~ were both taken by my daughter Lisa. The big one is from when she was in Whitehorse, YT before she moved to Cairo. The second, smaller image, I cropped from a picture she took when she and her boyfriend, Mohammed, went to the (ancient) Tethys Sea.
    She has some absolutely BEAUTIFUL pictures... I could use them just about anywhere... and isn't that more than you thought to hear, eh?

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  8. and isn't that more than you thought to hear, eh?

    Umm...no, I find it very interesting. :)

    Did your daughter meet an Egyptian man and go over to Egypt that way, or did she just go there for some other reason and then meet someone?

    And yes, they are gorgeous pics!

    Personally, I love the Middle East. As a teen I really wanted to go to Afghanistan after reading Caravans By James Mitchener. I wanted to roam the dessert with some dark, hunky, mysterious guy. LOL

    But I did go to Israel, the only safe place for a woman alone in the Middle East at the time and I thought it was so beautiful. Not just in scenery, but just the historical buildings and vibe in it.

    Can you not go to visit with your daughter? That would be cool.

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  9. How Lisa met Mo is a story unto itself ~ and then some. ^.^

    Just after Lisa graduated from high school (2003), she took a HUGE step and went to Jasper to work at the Jasper Park Lodge (major, major high end hotel) for the summer. She'd always been rather reserved, so for her to go away from home, knowing nobody, for 3 months, was surprising. Her roommate, Heather, and she became fast friends. A couple of years later, Heather was living in Whitehorse, and Lisa decided (after a lot more time spent away from home) that she wanted to move there, experience the North and earn some money for University. Then she and Heather decided that they wanted to do some traveling and they picked Cairo 'cause Heather's older sister lives there with her boyfriend, who is also Egyptian.
    Well, Heather left last October and met her boyfriend Hatem, whose best friend is Mohammed. Heather and Hatem decided to play matchmaker and both Lisa and Mo were more than happy to oblige.
    So since late January, early February the two couples have done a lot of traveling around the area.

    The Middle East has never really appealed to me as a travel destination solely because of it's proximity to the equator ~ and I'm a very much NOT a hot weather person. Lisa's planning to come back to Canada next spring because she really doesn't want to go through another summer there. But yes, we are going to visit her in Cairo... not sure just when my dh is thinking of going ~ although he's been warned that I'll only consider going during the winter time! ~ and I know that our other two daughters and probably our son would love to go. That'll be quite a trip... considering both our son and youngest daughter have yet to travel via air.

    Funny my dad always said that I wrote as though I had verbal diarrhea... guess he was right, eh? LOL

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  10. I love to hear how people meet and decide to do the things that change thier life. Your daughter has certainly embraced her life.

    Rhianna

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  11. She really has. And if someone had told me five years ago that she would be living in Cairo and experiencing all she is I'da been dumbstruck... truly.
    She took a big step when she worked away from home for that first summer and ever since then it's as though she was infected with the travel bug... I blame my dad for that ~ he was the family gypsy.

    But yeah, she's partway through getting her Education degree, but as I told her, school will always be available... it's a lot harder to do the traveling she wants to do when life starts to make more demands.

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  12. Funny my dad always said that I wrote as though I had verbal diarrhea... guess he was right, eh?

    What?! No way. You're very interesting!

    I'm curious, does your daughter follow the cultural and religious aspects of living in a predominantly Muslim country?

    I know that Egypt is one of the more open and less strident of Arab countries, but I'm curious.

    I do understand the appeal of living in a foreign country and having a foreigner as a boyfriend. It's very exciting and different as opposed to what you know and adds a whole new dimension to relating because you have to find a way to work around different cultural concepts and understandings.

    The relating becomes more of understanding someone through their essence, vibe and body language. It's a real turn on. :)

    I'm sure she's learning a lot and it's very good, I think, for people to expand their horizons and be open to all kinds of people and cultures.

    I admire you that you let her go like that. Or more that you accept and even admire her going in such a direction. Most parents would be freaked.

    My mom told me many times that she was ashamed of me and my lifestyle, traveling and living all over the world and I could never understand why that would be something so shameful.

    I myself admire people who go for it and live their dreams. The people I met traveling and living different lifestyles are the very people that I looked up to and though were interesting and gutsy.

    Good for her.

    Oh and the heat, I hear ya! LOL

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  13. "I'm curious, does your daughter follow the cultural and religious aspects of living in a predominantly Muslim country?"

    She went through Ramadan as would any Muslim, but as far as any other religious observances, no. She's very considerate regarding her manner of dress. When she's out in public she always wears pants and a top with some sleeve... even when the temps were rather unbearable. I so admire her for respecting the customs of such a different culture.


    "...the appeal of living in a foreign country and having a foreigner as a boyfriend. It's very exciting and different as opposed to what you know and adds a whole new dimension to relating because you have to find a way to work around different cultural concepts and understandings.

    The relating becomes more of understanding someone through their essence, vibe and body language. It's a real turn on. :)
    "

    As far as her relationship with Mo goes, they seem to have a lot in common personality-wise and both are very open regarding the cutltural differences. I'd absolutely LOVE to meet Mo... he's told Lisa a few times, and of course she's passed it on to me, that he loves me because I gave birth to Lisa. Now how could I not love this guy? He's 27 to Lisa's now-23 (as of October 15), so age-wise they're close as well. But what really had me hooting was an email that Lisa sent to me in which she realized that she could see a lot of her dad in Mo... and one incident at dinner had her almost cringing: she and Mo were reacting exactly the way that Joe and I do ~ talk about sending shudders through her! I laughed and laughed... then laughed some more.

    I think it's great, or absolutely hilarious!, when our kids start to see us in themselves. Our next oldest daughter Meagan has been dating a Filipino fella for a number of years ~ in fact she and Tim have been very good friends since grade 10 and Meagan's now in her fourth year of college. Anyway she sees a LOT of her dad in Tim... and then she finds herself reacting in pretty much the way that I do... of all my kids, she's the most like me ~ and the one that that bugs the most.... LOL Too funny!

    "I'm sure she's learning a lot and it's very good, I think, for people to expand their horizons and be open to all kinds of people and cultures."

    When I've mentioned to people that Lisa has only two years of University, I've been amazed ~ and somewhat... not appalled necessarily, that's too strong a word ~ that they wouldn't even consider letting their adult child travel without first completing one degree at University. Personally I think that what Lisa's experiences traveling is something that she would never learn from anywhere else.... Of course I'm also a person that thinks that too many people put WAY too much emphasis on education and book-learning per se.
    And a lot of that comes from my own experience, but also from watching my son grow up. Now the education system failed Stephen and failed him badly... but that's a topic for a whole 'nother discussion!
    Uh, thanks Leah... guess I've got something else that I can go on about! *grin*

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  14. I think it's great, or absolutely hilarious!, when our kids start to see us in themselves

    Heh, I don't have kids, but from the kid perspective, it's scary as all get out to realize that you have a lot of your parent's qualities or mannerisms. Ack! LOL

    It's interesting that your daughters see their dad in their boyfriends. That's a nice statement to how they feel about their dad. Isn't it the old saying that we choose a partner like the parent of the opposite sex?

    My theory has always been that we choose a partner who resembles the parent we have the most issues with. But that's based solely on my personal experience.

    It's kind of interesting. But at the very least, your kids sound like they are very together and well adjusted and that's a statement to the kind of parents you and your husband are. Kudos to you! :)

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  15. Leah,

    "Isn't it the old saying that we choose a partner like the parent of the opposite sex?"

    Boy I used to think that my husband was just like my dad... in all the worst ways. Then I realized that I was like my dad... ARGH. Could explain the months of out-loud-arguements that the two of us had nearly every evening for months when I still lived at home... Sheesh. Of course if anyone had said to me at the time that I was like my dad, I'da hit 'em! HARD! LOL

    Granted there were some ways in which Joe and dad were alike... but I think with them it came from the male genes. The brother next in age to me hardly ever argued with dad, but mom... Hooboy ~ totally different story. And she and I got along very well.... Huh.

    Still, I love discovering just what it is about people that gets them ticking ~ or ticked off. People are so amazing to watch!

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  16. Interesting story!! I like to read nice books which got from eHarlequin...

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